A girl I just met took the cane for me | Stephanie Yeboah

Steph Yeboah  00:00

And that was all down to him, and he like literally took time out of his day to help me with that, and I will forever be grateful.

Holly Newson  00:09

Hey, I'm Holly, and I am so glad you're here. This is Kind, a show about the times people received an act of kindness and how that changed things. In this episode, you'll hear how a first day at primary school can go from very bad to, well, a bit less bad with some kindness. By the way, I'm rooting for you. Right, let me introduce you to someone. You're about to hear from Steph Yaboah. She's a writer and content creator with enviable fashion and beauty know-how, and she is the author of three books, including her latest novel, a rom-com called Doing It for the Plot. Steph, welcome!

Steph Yeboah  00:51

Thank you for having me.

Holly Newson  00:53

I'm so excited  that you're here. And when I say enviable fashion and beauty know-how, if anyone hasn't been on Steph's Instagram and be like, I want all the outfits. Then I send you there now.

Steph Yeboah  01:05

Thank you so much

Holly Newson  01:07

To kick off, what does being kind mean to you?

Steph Yeboah  01:12

Oh, being kind is navigating the world, leaving a positive impact on people. When I was growing up, I always thought that being kind meant putting yourself last in aid of putting others first, putting others before you, and that if you didn't do that, then you weren't being kind. But also, I have come to sort of realize that kindness is also something that we need to show to ourselves. So it's not just an external thing that we show to other people, which is you know being nice and being generous, and you know all of these things that come along with making people feel content, giving people a sense of emotional safety, but also having that for ourselves as well, and also learning to be kind to ourselves and be our own safe spaces. Yeah. So for me, kindness is yeah, essentially just being a safe space, whatever that means to the individual.

Holly Newson  02:08

Yeah. Oh, that that's a really beautiful definition. I like that a lot. So each time a guest comes on the show, I ask them to have a think of three times people have done something kind for them. This first one: tell me what age you were and what the situation was. Tell me about before this thing started happening.

Steph Yeboah  02:26

Sure. So I was 11 / 12. So it was when I started secondary school, and unfortunately, I was bullied as soon as I started. Like literally the first day of secondary school, I was bullied throughout the next five years by a group of five boys. Funnily enough, I found out actually this week that three of them are in jail. Who's laughing now, bitch? Who's laughing now? Anyway, I was so happy. I was like, "Carma. Yeah, big time. Yeah, and I was bullied physically and verbally by this group of boys, and they picked on me one because of my surname. But then, after like a week or so of that, they then moved on to the fact that I was darker skinned, and then they moved on to the fact that I was plus size. So I was quite a chubby girl in in secondary school, and because I didn't have any friends and I was just so introverted and I had such low self-esteem and low confidence, I developed really bad depression, which kind of peaked around the age of 14. And so every day I would go into school, get bullied in classes, get bullied. I didn't tell my parents because I remember so vividly the first time I tried to tell my dad specifically that I was getting bullied. His answer was, "Well, if you weren't so fat, then you wouldn't get bullied, and that stayed with me literally my whole life. And so I blamed myself for getting bullied. So then I was like, "Well, it's my fault. I'm the way that I look is the reason why I'm deserving of all of this abuse. And so, in school, I was just a shell. I was just existing. I wasn't living, and because I didn't have any friends, that meant that every lunchtime, whenever I would go to lunch or I would sit on my own, I would instantly become a target because I was the only one that was sitting on my own in the cafeteria, and it got to a point where it was getting very unsafe for me. I think both physically and emotionally, and so I started eating lunch in the girls' toilets in the cubicles, and one day one of the music teachers followed me into the cubicle because I think over she told me that over a period of like three or four days she'd noticed that I would get my lunch from the cafeteria and then just take it out, and so she followed me. And that was where I kind of told her everything that was happening, and it was the first time that I was able to actually spill about what these boys were doing. And so, really, really lovely woman. Her name is Miss Purdy. Shout out to Miss Purdy, wonderful teacher. And so she arranged it so that I could spend my lunch times in one of the piano music practice rooms that had a lock and everything. And so every lunchtime, not only did she tell sort of the head of year eight, I think at the time what was going on, so that the boys could be reprimanded, but yeah, I would always go to her every lunchtime, and I would sit in the piano room, eat my lunch, or like read my books, just like in quiet, in solace. And then I would also sort of tinker on the piano a bit. And then I actually, over the years, just loved learning how to kind of play the piano, and so that became its own hobby for me as well.

Holly Newson  05:59

So that is a huge thing. Like you're at such a vulnerable age. Like, so what did it feel like when you were able to finally say this is what's going on?

Steph Yeboah  06:12

It was scary at first because because of what my dad had said. I assumed that if I was to tell another adult, they would be like, oh, they would say the same thing, like, oh, well, you know, if you didn't do this, or you need to be more outgoing. That was something I heard a lot as well. Like, the onus was always on me to have to change my situation, and it almost felt like a form of victim blaming. So it was like, you know, if my parents noticed that I was being really quiet or in my room, they'd be like, you need to do this, and you need to, you know, be more outgoing, and you need to talk to people. And it's just like, but the issue wasn't me. The issue was actually like other people making me feel really sad. And despite my best efforts, unfortunately, I just didn't have the social skills to be able to communicate my wants and my needs. And so when I spoke to the teacher, I felt a sense of catharsis. I think it it literally just came spilling out, like literally the whole lunch time. Like bless her, like she spent with me, and I was just talking and talking and talking, and and then I think maybe because you know with music teachers they can be so like dramatic sometimes, so she like had like a tear coming out of her eye, and it it was just very much a bonding moment, almost as if I was speaking to like her older sister kind of thing. She was really really lovely, and yeah, that that really got me on the road to learning how to advocate for myself. Yeah, and the first way I was able to advocate for myself after speaking to her was by going to a children's therapy group that was near my area, or like a teenage therapy group, should I say? Without my parents knowing, to this day, or yeah, to this day they still don't. To this day, they still don't know. But yeah, there was like a confidential like teenage therapy, but it was like a group one every Saturday that I started going to. It was very like it wasn't like intense because obviously teenagers like it could be a bit scary. So it was very light hearted and stuff, but it allowed us to be able to acknowledge feelings and do different workshops and and icebreakers and stuff, and so yeah, that that really helped.

Holly Newson  08:24

Yeah, did you seek that out yourself?

Steph Yeboah  08:26

Yeah, I seeked out myself with my my little. I was such a tech whiz at the time, so I was like, I was able to kind of like find the resources that I needed.

Holly Newson  08:34

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  08:35

yeah.

Holly Newson  08:35

Wow, you look after yourself good.

Steph Yeboah  08:38

I try, I try. It's all the the the kind of what's it called when you're a firstborn child, firstborn daughter, all of the stuff that comes along with having to almost be a mini adult and having to advocate for yourself at a very early age, and I think also coming from a West African background as well, where the girls specifically, like the firstborn girls, are taught to be mini mothers and mini adults. So it meant that a lot of us haven't grown up with a childhood, and that we've had to look after others very young. So with me, it was like looking after my younger brother and and all of that kind of stuff. So I learned how to be independent very very early on, which is good, but also bad because I didn't. I that that also taught me to learn not to ask for things, not to ask for support.

Holly Newson  09:30

Yeah, yeah, completely. Yeah. So you've got the in in this moment, you've got this music room that you can now eat lunch in. Yeah, and you've got this piano. When did you start thinking like, oh yeah, I'll just have a little play around.

Steph Yeboah  09:41

It started with EastEnders, the theme tune. I started tinkering around with like that's the one that I feel like everybody when you go to secondary school. That's like one of the first things. So I started doing that, and I was like, oh, I actually got everything in order. And to this day, like I don't know how to read music. Never learned. I was just like, drop me out. I just I can't. So I just did everything by ear. Yeah. So I started with the yeah with EastEnders, and then I tried to do like the chords alongside it. Yeah. And then I moved on to Fur Elise, which I think is another one that people love

Holly Newson  10:11

Cl love it. Absolutely love it.

Steph Yeboah  10:13

Love it. And then I just ended up doing like a lot of like show tunes and a lot of like cartoons and things like that. And then I think the last one that I did, which was probably when I was 18, which I don't think I can remember it now, but it was Moonlight Sonata, the first movement. That's one of my favorite pieces of classical music, and so that was the one that I was like, "This is my masterpiece. Even though I probably I'm doing it in the wrong key because I'm I'm doing it from ear, so I'm probably there's a few messed up chords here and there, but when I taught myself how to do that, I was like, Wow

Holly Newson  10:45

"It's incredible!

Steph Yeboah  10:46

I'm really cool.

Holly Newson  10:47

Yeah. So do you still play? Do you still tinker?

Steph Yeboah  10:50

I still tinker. Yeah. I don't have a keyboard, but if get me in front of one, I'll have a bit of a play.

Holly Newson  10:55

Okay. Yeah. We've got to get you an upright electrical.

Steph Yeboah  10:58

Oh my gosh! Yeah, I'd love that.

Holly Newson  11:00

Let's get that. Let's get that for the new place. That's amazing. And so, I mean, you sort of hinted at it a bit, but what impact do you think it had on you that you were able to open up and that you got the support that you needed?

Steph Yeboah  11:16

The impact that it had on me was that I over time learned that I'm not the problem. My body is not the problem. It really taught me for the first time that I am not the reason why people are choosing to bully me, because up until then it had been kind of like an ongoing onslaught of self blame, and even though yes, after secondary school, I still continued to have issues with body image and low self esteem. I think at that point, when I was like 1314, was one of the moments that taught me that there are some adults that are safe to speak to. There are some people that are willing to listen, and growing up, I didn't feel seen at all. I was always considered a bit of an afterthought, and so for that teacher to come in and follow me, and because she was concerned, it made me feel seen, and it made me feel like, oh wow, like somebody actually cares about what I'm going through, and that made me in turn feel like okay. Well, if if she cares and she's not, you know, even a family member or a friend, maybe I should start to care a bit more about myself, and maybe I should learn how to advocate for myself, and like my feelings actually matter. And so yeah. Over time, that kind of snowballed, and then in my 20s is when I started to actually be very open and write about the mental health issues that I was going through, and you know, it led to me being as open as I am now.

Holly Newson  13:02

Can you think of a time that someone did something kind for you?

Sebastian  13:05

Yeah. So recently, I think it was one of these days in the heatwave. I was sitting reading my book just like today, and someone came and gave me an ice cream.

Holly Newson  13:16

Oh my god, that is amazing! What flavour?

Sebastian  13:20

I was like the one of these magnums, like I'm on. Yeah, yeah. I think it was cheaper to buy three than just to buy one, but we can leave that part out.

Holly Newson  13:28

But that's so sweet. So they just came up to you and they're like, "It's a hot day. You might like this.

Sebastian  13:33

Yeah, pretty much.

Holly Newson  13:34

Did it put a smile on your face?

Sebastian  13:36

It did. Of course.

Holly Newson  13:40

That's a brilliant act of kindness. Can I ask what your name is?

Sebastian  13:42

Sebastian.

Holly Newson  13:43

Sebastian. Well, thank you so much. I will leave you to read your book again. But I'm sorry I don't have an ice cream. Thank you so much. Is it? Is the book good?

Sebastian  13:53

Yeah, it's good.

Holly Newson  13:59

So moving on to your second story. For this one, maybe introduce me to the friend who helped you out first.

Steph Yeboah  14:07

The friend who ended up being my fiance. Oh, it's a very long story. So this is one of my best, one of my best friends, Kevin, and he is from California, and we started being friends. Gosh, I must have been in my first year of university, or maybe even sixth form, when he came over to the UK. He was here for a little bit. We met then, and then he flew back like the week later. And it was during this was you know 2008, so it was the time of MSN Messenger. So yeah, so when he flew back, obviously like we weren't calling each other on the phone sort of all the time because it was so expensive. So we just used MSN Messenger and Skype and stuff, and we just developed a really strong friendship and. We would talk every day, despite like the eight-hour time difference, and we were just really good friends. And so, yeah, one day I used to be, I used to be a bit of a menace online.

Holly Newson  15:16

Okay, in what way?

Steph Yeboah  15:17

By that I mean, in my previous life, I was very yappy on message boards. So I was on this message board. It was an American hip hop forum message board where you would just talk about sort of R and B and hip hop and things. And I was very loud, and I would always pick fights with people on there. And because I was the only British person on there. I had a lot of eyes on me, and so I'd always get into multiple fights. And so I got into a fight over like a singer with this guy, who then proceeded to, and I don't know how he did it, but he was able to hack into my Hotmail at the time, and he hacked into my Hotmail, and he was able to retrieve various bits of content in terms of like personal photos and things. And then he also used that to. Now that I think back, I think what he did was it was one of those links. You know, when you like click a link,

Holly Newson  16:20

yeah.

Steph Yeboah  16:21

And I think I got a link in my email being like, "Oh, your thing has been hacked, or your Facebook has been hacked. And so I clicked the link. But you know, this was back in the day when it wasn't as common. Those kinds of scams weren't that common. So that's how I think he hacked me. So he hacked into my Hotmail, and then he hacked into my Facebook account. And the saving grace of this was that it was in America. It was maybe late afternoon, but in the UK, it was like two a.m. So nobody my side was really awake. But he had hacked into my Facebook and using the photos that he got from my Hotmail, he uploaded them all onto my Facebook and just started tagging random people on my friends list.

Holly Newson  17:05

Right, and what sort of thing roughly are we talking that he's uploaded?

Steph Yeboah  17:10

Oh, like he's uploading selfies of me. He's uploading selfies of me, like where I'm wearing bikinis or like where I'm wearing underwear or like you know, like when you're younger and you're just like exploring your body and you just like take thirst traps. So it was mostly like thirst traps of me, but it was still photos that I didn't want like my parents or like you know family members seeing. And I just remember getting a notification from Kevin, who was like, "Steph, are you awake? Are you awake? And so I because he sent me a text message, and I was like, if he's sending me a text message, knowing that that text message probably costs like six pounds to send,

Holly Newson  17:49

yes

Steph Yeboah  17:49

then something must be happening. So I got onto my computer and logged on, logged on to MSM, and he's like, Seth, somebody has like they're posting all of these wild images on you online. So he starts sending me screenshots of everything because I'm trying to hack and I'm trying to log into my Facebook and I can't. It's saying that like the password has been changed. So he's sending me all these screenshots and I'm like, oh shit! Like it's this guy from this website because when I go onto the website, he the guy that hacked into my account has created a thread where he's like, I hacked into this account.

Holly Newson  18:27

I can't get over the fact that this guy is like, he's gone like, oh, I don't like your opinion on something online. I'm gonna hack you.

Steph Yeboah  18:33

Yeah,

Holly Newson  18:34

Jesus,

Steph Yeboah  18:35

very very wild, very wild. And so um, so he'd sent he'd posted like you know this kind of victory thread on I hacked into her account and she's got this photo and this photo, and so I had a bit of a breakdown and Kevin was like, look, we're gonna we're gonna sort this out. We're gonna I'm gonna you know help you try and get your account back, and so bless him like he stayed up with me for like four hours and he was like emailing Facebook. He went to go and he did a screenshot of all of my friends list, which at the time I think I had like 400 people on there. Yeah, he messaged each one to be like, "Can you please unfollow Steph's account? She's been hacked. Can you please like to every single person? And he was able to get my email, my account kind of closed down because I think he flagged it for like inappropriate content. That was like the quickest way for it to be closed down, and he got it done within like three hours or so. So by the time in the UK, everyone else woke up.

Holly Newson  19:34

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  19:35

thankfully nobody's mentioned anything up until now. So I'm assuming that nobody saw what was going on, but it was closed down by the time everybody woke up.

Holly Newson  19:43

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  19:43

and that was all down to him, and he like literally took time out of his out of his day to to help me with that, and I will forever be grateful.

Holly Newson  19:53

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  19:53

to him for that, and it really that was he was probably the one of the. First true friends that I've ever had up until that point, and for somebody, even though for a lot of people it might seem like a small thing, to me it was a huge thing. Like somebody sacrificing time for me, I take very very seriously. So yeah,

Holly Newson  20:18

yeah, I love that he he took the initiative to be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna message all these people. Like, I think sometimes it's it's that moment when you're the one that's like, no, no, no, this can't be happening. This can't be happening. Someone else to go like, okay, I'm gonna rather than like, oh, what can I do? That's it. Sometimes it's just like you did something.

Steph Yeboah  20:40

Yeah, exactly. And I think that's what I really responded positively to because I'm so type A, like I'm very like, and I'm so used to looking after other people and actioning things for other people. I'm not used to people doing it to me at all because I'm the one that people depend on to action things and to get things rolling. So for him to do that to me, I was like, "Oh, is this a love language? I I feel very safe. I feel very like looked after in that moment, and I yeah I will always forever thank him for that.

Holly Newson  21:14

Yeah, yeah. And so were you able to open up a new Facebook account?

Steph Yeboah  21:18

Yes. Okay. Yeah, new email address. Everything

Holly Newson  21:20

Good and hacker guy, did he disappear from your internet presence?

Steph Yeboah  21:25

Yeah, he just disappeared into the ether. Have no idea where he is now. God for that. Apparently, he was known on the website for doing those kinds of things. So hopefully, somebody reported him later on down the line. Because and he only did it to women, of course he did.

Holly Newson  21:39

Of course, he did. Of course. And am I allowed to ask about you and Kevin? So this friendship clearly continued...

Steph Yeboah  21:47

It continued, yeah. It continued. It paused temporarily in what was it, 2014 for six years. That was so. Me and Kevin. That that is a whole. Our story is insane. It paused because I started dating someone for the first time. He felt some way about it, even though he had claimed that he didn't like me. He only saw me as like a friend, almost sister. But then, when I started dating someone, he was like, "I can't do this. Very melodramatic, and then we stopped talking for six years, and then he got back in touch with me during lockdown, and then we kind of like immediately continued our friendship after he spent like three days apologizing, and then admitting to me that he actually did like me more than a friend, like since we first met, and I didn't know that,

Holly Newson  22:38

right

Steph Yeboah  22:39

And yeah, and now we've just continued being best friends, and then relationship, and then engaged. So it's been like a good 20, coming up to 20 years. Yeah.

Holly Newson  22:52

Wow.

Steph Yeboah  22:52

Very consistent.

Holly Newson  22:54

Is he still in America? Is he in the UK?

Steph Yeboah  22:55

Yes, he's coming next month. Yeah, he'll be coming here next month. So looking forward to hanging out with him.

Holly Newson  23:02

Nice. Well, good job, Kevin, and getting doing the right thing when he was still young and still figuring stuff out.

Steph Yeboah  23:08

Yeah, absolutely.

Holly Newson  23:10

Stepped in the right way.

Steph Yeboah  23:11

Yeah.

Holly Newson  23:11

And that was the first story that you thought of. Is there a reason you think that was the first thing that came to mind when you were like kind things?

Steph Yeboah  23:20

It's the first time somebody's made time for me, I think, and that was what when I was in. I want yeah, I want to say I'd started uni, so 18, up until then. You know, not to sound you know woe is me, but again, because I was such a loner and I was not used to people doing things for me and always being seen as an afterthought, I kind of just existed in this space where nobody really paid any attention to what I was doing or how I was feeling. And to have this person come into my life who actually would ask me things about myself and actually cared about what I was doing during the day, and who would actually sacrifice or you know give up some of their time to help me had such a huge impact on my sense of worthiness. I think because up until then I'd never, I wasn't used to people wanting to do stuff for me. Unfortunately, and so yeah, for him to kind of make that space for me, it did make me feel like, oh, okay, so I do matter to at least someone else out there, and so that's always the first thing, the first experience I think of when I do think about kindness.

Kate  24:40

Can you tell me a time that someone did something kind for you? Well, I can tell you about this one here, sitting right next to me. What's her name? Louise. I was having problems with my business. I was in a particular location, and I'd been there for a very long time. But we had different people running it, and they turned out to be not very nice. And this one here, who happens to have an actual retail unit in the same area, said to me, "Get your ass off of there and bring your business in here. And here we are, sitting on the bench side by side.

Holly Newson  25:14

Amazing. So, what did that mean for you and your business?

Kate  25:16

Well, it meant that my business could keep going. It meant that as a self-employed person, I could continue to be self-employed as I've always been, which is running my own business the way I want to. It meant that I didn't have to stand in the freezing cold anymore. It meant that I had a place seven days a week, not just a couple of days a week. It meant that I get to work with my best mate, which is probably the best thing of all. And it means that you're working and supporting each other and empowering each other, and see what one act of kindness can bring.

Holly Newson  25:45

That is so wonderful. That's made me so ridiculously happy. What was your name?

Kate  25:51

I'm Kate.

Holly Newson  25:52

Kate, thank you so much. What a beautiful story.

Louise  25:55

Always reciprocal with us two. She's done more for me than I could even list in one of you. I mean it.

Holly Newson  26:02

Oh, this is the best. Thank you.

Kate  26:06

Pleasure. Thank you.

Holly Newson  26:14

Moving on to your third story of kindness. Drop me in. Tell me what happened.

Steph Yeboah  26:20

The third story is a little bit chaotic. So I went from the age of seven to nine. I lived in Ghana, and on this occasion, I had been enrolled in a Catholic school without my knowledge. So I didn't know that I was going to school. I thought I was going to Ghana because I went every year for a summer holiday.

Holly Newson  26:43

Yeah. So

Steph Yeboah  26:44

So this was this was one of the times when I thought I was going for a summer holiday. However, in a lot of African culture, they like to do this thing where they take the kids back to Africa and just leave them there and not tell them. I think with our generation, we're phasing that out, but definitely in my parents' generation, they would just take the kids back, leave them with a relative for an indefinite amount of time, and so this is what happened to me and my brother. So I was taken there under the guise of another summer holiday will, you know, bring you back sort of end of August to start school, and on the eve of what I thought of when I thought we would be flying back to the UK, got everything ready, packed my suitcase, had my passport, everything. Woke up the next morning, and my grand aunt, who I was staying with, who we were staying with, came to tell me that my mum had already left like two hours earlier to go to the airport, and that I was going to be living there with her now, which was very, very traumatic. Very, very traumatic, especially when I wasn't told why. I wasn't told for how long. They just said you're starting school on Monday, which was in at that time like in three days, and in Ghana, the school system at the time was that all of the girls had to have their hair shaved off. So the day that I was told that I was living there permanently, I had my hair shaved off against my will to like a buzz cut. My uniform and everything had already been ordered, and I started school on Monday. And I was still trying to get over the shock and the grief of like, wait,

Holly Newson  28:17

yeah,

Steph Yeboah  28:18

my mum's not coming back, and not only that, but my brother had been taken to another town, so they had separated us.

Holly Newson  28:30

Oh my god!

Steph Yeboah  28:30

So it was, I was feeling so many things at once. On top of that, I had been eating questionable foods and drinking questionable street water, like water that they would sell on the street. So, you know, coming to Africa from Europe, your stomach takes time to adjust. So, on the first day of school, I'm feeling all of these feelings. My stomach is not agreeing with me, and I get into class and I, I'm trying to learn how to make friends, and so I hang out with a couple of other girls. And around lunchtime, I want to say, my stomach just completely just explodes. I just shit myself. Basically, it was it was like awful, and I was so embarrassed, and it was so hot there as well, and I was so embarrassed, and I didn't know what to do. I panicked, and so I went to the bathroom. I cleaned myself up, and I I left the underwear in the bathroom. So cut to like it must have been like third period or something. We get the headmaster over the Tanoi is like everybody needs to come to assembly now, and during this time, assembly was outside in the courtyard, and we all had to stand in lines according to our grades.

Holly Newson  29:55

And presumably, you're like, this is all so new, like I don't even know what's happening anyway,

Steph Yeboah  30:00

Yeah everything was just so new to me, and so nobody knew what was going on. So we went there, and then as I was walking towards where the assembly was, the head teacher had his cane up, and on the end of the cane was a pair of stained underwear, and I just-if I could blush, I would have. I just froze, and as I froze, the new friend that I had made kind of like bumped into me, like, "Oh, Steph, what's like we we need to keep walking, and I was like, "Those are mine. And after she finished laughing, she was like, "You know, he's gonna like hit you, right? Like he's gonna because you you you would get punished for this, and I was like, I don't need this. Like, this is you know, not only has this happened, but it's also my first day of school, and I'm dealing with all this other stuff. So I just naturally burst out crying. Walked over to the assembly line. The head teacher gives this big spiel about you know health and safety, and you know how could you do this? Who who did this and all of that kind of stuff? And I was like shaking, and this girl she was like holding my hand, and then out of nowhere she just put her hand up and she was like, "Me sir, it was me, and she went up to the front expecting to like be caned on her palm, but not only did she get caned like like 20 times on her palm, but they also did like her butt as well, and that just led to me crying even more because I was like, not only is she going through all of this pain for me, but I kind of allowed her to do it, and I just I felt so Terrible, but then after it happened, she came off the stage and she was like laughing, and I was like, "Are you right? And then that's when I found out that apparently she get she got beaten all the time. Like she was like a menace at school, so she was the head teacher knew her very well. She was always getting in trouble. So it was one of those ones where it's like, "I'm just gonna take this on the chin for you because you're new and like this is like your past kind of thing.

Holly Newson  32:04

Yeah.

Steph Yeboah  32:05

But we ended up being friends for like a really really long time until I came back to the UK, and it was just a mortifying mortifying experience for a seven year old. It was just awful.

Holly Newson  32:18

I can't even begin to fathom what those few days must have felt like. Like I can't even begin to understand as a seven-year-old. Wait, this isn't just a holiday. Wait, my mum's already gone home. Wait, I'm having my hair shaved off. Wait, I'm going to this new school. Like, what? And then, like, wait, oh shit! My son does not agree with this. Jeez,

Steph Yeboah  32:48

It was a series of unfortunate events. It was, it was awful, and I think it took me about a month to really settle into where I was living. But what that did, unfortunately, was that I developed really bad abandonment issues, especially when it came to my mum. So it was one of those things where I just did not trust anybody around me. Growing up as well, whenever we would go on holiday back to Ghana, and I was going with her, any time she would like go out with my aunts or uncles, or they were going out for the evening, and I was staying at the house with my brother, I would immediately start crying because I'm like, "Where are you going? Are you coming back? Like that kind of thing. Yeah. And she was like, "Steph, I'm literally just going out for dinner. And I'm just like, "Yeah, but when I was younger, like, it would I would be very triggered by it, and that definitely taught me, yeah, that I unfortunately could not trust anybody, but on the flip side, in terms of what happened at school, it taught me to be shameless and to just own and accept everything that I do, even if it's like something embarrassing or you know something that requires shame. It just really taught me to just be like, it is what it is. Like, yeah, not to have shame.

Holly Newson  34:01

Yeah, and what did it mean to you that your new friend had seen you and just been like, "I'm just gonna, I'm gonna take this.

Steph Yeboah  34:08

Yeah, I thought that was really bold of her. Again, I thought that was really, really lovely of her because she, I had told her sort of what had happened over the last three or four days. So yeah, whether she done it for pity, or or whatever the case may be. I was very very grateful that she had saved me from that. Over the course of the next two years, I got beaten all the time. After that, I was, yeah, the the corporal punishment was really bad, and I did get to experience that. But for that first time, I just thought it was really lovely of her to to do that, and yeah, really, really. I felt very, very grateful in her debt.

Holly Newson  34:48

Yeah, yeah. I think I well, I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I think we can all remember experiences of being like that sort of age, and something like embarrassing happened. Like I remember, I was in a. Rehearsal for like a school play, and I didn't because it was like a dress rehearsal. I didn't realize we were allowed to go to the toilet, so instead of asking to go to the toilet, I just I just wet myself, and I remember the like the bullying that followed that. But like for you to have taken that experience and just been like, it doesn't matter. I don't care.

Steph Yeboah  35:21

Yeah,

Holly Newson  35:22

I think that's a great way. A great. It took me so long to be like, wait, they, they, but like I was a small child. Yeah, like I was a small child.

Steph Yeboah  35:32

It's really weird because it's something that a lot of children do. So to be holly over something that is quintessentially normal, yeah, is really strange.

Holly Newson  35:41

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  35:41

just giving us things to be embarrassed and ashamed about,

Holly Newson  35:45

yeah, exactly.

Steph Yeboah  35:46

So weird.

Holly Newson  35:46

And I mean, like, also weirdly, I feel like as an adult, even though it's like maybe not as common, like I've had conversations with people where people are like, "Oh, well, you've either shat yourself or you've weed yourself, yeah, like, or maybe you've done both. But most, like, I had a conversation with a friend, she's like, "Most people I feel like fall into one category." She was like, "Me. I'm a weer."

Steph Yeboah  36:03

Yeah, we've all done it. Whether it's shitting yourself, peeing yourself, sharting yourself, like literally. Sometimes our bowels. You just gotta. It just. It is what it is. You know what it is.

Holly Newson  36:15

100% So we are going to briefly talk about your book, doing it for the plot. We have our main character Cassie. We have our best friend Shadday. Shade gives it to Cassie and tells it how it is. Like she's a beautiful best friend, but she's also like Cassie, you've messed up. You've messed up here. I'm I'm here for you, but you've messed up. So talk to me about the inspiration of a friend who like is kind by telling someone how it is.

Steph Yeboah  36:44

Yeah. So the inspiration between that friendship comes from me and my best friend Ua. Yeah. Who I have known for 22 years now. Yeah. And we are just yin and yang. We are essentially the same person. She's my best, best, best, best friend. She is so brutally honest, and I love her for it. Like I do best when people just tell me how it is. I don't like people to kind of pussyfoot around when it comes to me. I don't like yes men. I don't like because I I want to always be able to learn from my mistakes, and I don't want to be going through the world doing something if it's making people feel upset. And I have no idea. I would rather just know, even if it hurts my feelings in the in the interim. I would rather know so I can change that behavior. And so with Uwa, she's very direct. She and she doesn't know any other way to be, but she she has this knack of doing it with so much love, where she's essentially cussing you out. But she's doing it in such a beautiful way that by the time she's done, you don't even realize that she's dragging you for filth until you're recollecting on the conversation. Like, oh, she she called me this and da da da da da. But the way that she's able to deliver information, where she's telling me about myself, she does it in a way that is very brutal. But she does it with such an element of care and love and diplomacy. So when I was writing these characters, I knew that I always knew that I wanted Charde to be that friend who is able to create and establish boundaries, and also to hold her friend accountable as well. Because I think accountability is incredibly important in friendships, and I know that it's also a kind of kindness as well, like to hold your friend accountable, to create boundaries, to tell them when they're messing up-that is a form of kindness. Not only so that they can show that behavior to you, but they can also take it through them in life and, you know, show it to internally as well. And so, yeah, I wanted Shadé to be that friend that is able to hold her friends accountable.

Holly Newson  39:02

Yeah, nice. And at the top of this chat, you mentioned when you were saying what kindness is that you had thought before that it was you know about making everyone else happy, and then you realized there is also being a safe place in yourself.

Steph Yeboah  39:14

Yeah.

Holly Newson  39:14

So, what is the kindest thing you have ever done for yourself?

Steph Yeboah  39:18

Oh, this is a beautiful question. The kindest thing I've ever done for myself. I've got a deep answer, and then I've got like a less deep answer. So the less deep slash superficial answer for me is constantly buying myself Lego. I am a big kid at heart, and I feel like I never really had a childhood because I had to be an adult so young, and the result of that means that growing up now, I'm watching all the cartoons, I read all the graphic novels, I love Lego, I love video games. So for me, in order to kind of nourish my inner child, I do all of those things. I read comic books. I watch cartoons every day, and I love building Lego because it's it just I get to zone out for like several hours and build things, and I love it. And I I physically feel so happy and enriched and nourished when I'm building Lego. Yeah. So that's something that I have started doing for myself that makes me feel very happy. That I think is really kind. And in terms of the kindest thing that I've done for myself is actually going to therapy. Yeah, and trying to unravel a lot of trauma and trying to unlearn a lot of perspectives and maybe toxic narratives that I grew up thinking and and you know enacting on other people. So being able to acknowledge my inner child, to acknowledge that the traumas that had happened to me and how they had manifested as an adult has really really helped being able to create safe spaces with other adults where I can talk about how I feel has been incredible. And I've been in therapy since I was like 14, and it's something that I always strongly advocate for. It has given me the opportunity to know myself a lot more, and to yeah, to just really get in touch with Steph and her wants and her needs. Yes, and so yeah, that's been really like mind blowing for me. Yeah, yeah.

Holly Newson  41:33

I think what you said at the end, getting in touch with your wants and your needs. When I started having therapy, well, when I found the right therapist, one of the things she said was, she was like, "Well, in all this, you have not said anything about what you want, and I was like, "And she was like, 'What do you want? And I was like, 'I don't know, I'm no real. So yeah, that I do feel like that's such a like whether it's a therapy space, which I also advocate for, or another space that someone else can give you, which is like okay, but like what what do you actually want in this situation? What do you actually need here? I think is huge.

Steph Yeboah  42:09

It is, and I think we've just been conditioned by the patriarchy to see women wanting things as inherently selfish, because I think that men can they just have this thing where they can just you know ask for what they want and there's like no shame behind it because it's like well we're entitled we're men and sometimes I think where a lot of women have been brainwashed to see themselves as the providers in terms of emotional support The mothers, the you know, were were kind of brought up being put into this almost supportive, nourishing caretaker role. That to have wants and needs, or to put ourselves first, is seen as selfish because well, you're a woman. That's not your role. You're you're supposed to be the caretaker, and this is very prevalent in African culture as well. So growing up, I was kind of we have this thing called home training, which a lot of women, a lot of girls go through, where you're taught to cook and clean and cook certain dishes, and you always have to serve the man first when you're cooking and all of those kinds of things. So I grew up in that kind of community, and so the thought of ever putting yourself first is seen as an abomination, and so I had to that in therapy. That was one of the things that I had to unlearn is that I am my own person, and I don't have to constantly put others first in order to be seen as a good person or like a kind person. And I think the more I pour into myself, the more nourished I will be, and that will in turn make me be great for everybody else. So it's one of those things of pouring into your own cup first, so that you can be great for everyone else. And there is no, there is no vanity or you know self obsession with that. It's essentially just taking care of yourself.

Holly Newson  43:57

Yeah,

Steph Yeboah  43:58

yeah,

Holly Newson  43:58

completely. Well, Steph, this has been such a wonderful chat.

Steph Yeboah  44:02

Thank you.

Holly Newson  44:02

I could have chatted with you for ages. You have brought in some such wonderful, slightly harrowing but beautiful acts of kindness. Thank you. And I'm so glad that the being kind to yourself is like front of mind that makes me very happy. And your book doing it for the plot is a riot. So anyone who wants to like get into a rom com, wants to like you know take themselves out of their everyday life and and dive into Cassie's escapades. I would recommend that too.

Steph Yeboah  44:32

Amazing! Thank you so much for having me.

Holly Newson  44:34

Thanks.

Steph Yeboah  44:34

Thank you.

Music  44:36

Hey, hold on. I'll stay here till it goes.

Holly Newson  44:43

Thank you so much for listening. You being here and your support means a lot to me. Huge shout out to Steph for sharing so openly in our chat. I'll admit I was quite floored by some of it, but it just goes to show that when life gets tough, a little bit of kindness can go a long way. And do go and give her book, Doing It for the Plot, a read. She is a great storyteller. This episode is dedicated to people who help us get out of trouble. Maybe share the episode with one of those people in your life or someone else who might enjoy it. I would also love to hear from you about a time someone was kind to you. So send me a voice note at kindpodcast.com, or you can email me holly@kindpodcast.com, and I will feature some of your stories in the show. If you like the show, hit subscribe, give it a rating, a review, a follow. All that stuff helps me so much. It was great to spend time with you. Speak soon.