A stuffed envelope landed on the mat | Ruby Rare

Ruby Rare  00:00

It's so nice, it sort of breaks my heart.

Holly Newson  00:07

Oh, hey! Welcome to kind I'm so glad you're here. I'm Holly, and I'll be chatting to guests about the times people were kind to them and how that changed things. In this episode, you'll hear how much connection can come from letting yourself fall apart. By the way, your ideas matter, right? Let's drop you straight in. You're about to hear from Ruby rare, an educator, author and broadcaster who gets people feeling and talking more confidently and inclusively about sex and relationships. Ruby, welcome. Thank you so much for being here. I'm so excited to chat to you.

Ruby Rare  00:49

I'm really excited to be here. I feel a little nervous because I know that this invites vulnerability, and it's not as much me like in my professional hat, and so I'm quite excited to lean into that. But also I feel a bit like, ooh, feelings,

Holly Newson  01:04

Yeah, yeah. I think innately and kindness, there's like, in order to receive kindness, you have to be vulnerable.

Ruby Rare  01:10

So yeah, sometimes that's easy and sometimes that's quite hard to do.

Holly Newson  01:14

So tell me what kindness means to you. What does being kind mean?

Ruby Rare  01:18

Oh, I think kindness has a real instinct to it, like you can be you can be intentionally kind, and that's wonderful, and I think we all need to do that a bit more. But the moments that I feel incredibly touched by in other people is where, like kindness just kind of comes from them, almost without them thinking about it and and that can be like, big and small, but just, it's really nice when you just see something like something innate switch on in someone's being, of just going, like, yep, nope. This is the right thing to do. Let's Let's go. There hasn't been as much thought. It's just like action and being. And I, I aim to be a kind person, and I find it much easier to do that outwards than to receive it sometimes. And then sometimes I'm like, does that just make me sound a bit like an asshole, going like, I'm actually just like, so kind. I don't need but then, but then in moments where I need it, I I appreciate it massively, but I'm not very well. I'm not, maybe not as good at receiving it in a nice way and not panicking, whereas I love to, like, give it out when I do and I'm able to do it loads,

Holly Newson  02:35

Yeah. Why do you think that is what? Why do you think it that it's harder to receive it for you?

Ruby Rare  02:40

I think that invites more vulnerability, because you have to admit that you're I'm, like, very much a bossy big sister in my family dynamic, but also in, like, professional world, I tend to be quite a like project manager, and my instinct often is like, No, I'll do it. I can get it done. I've got it. Don't worry. Don't worry everyone. I'm fine. And I think the last couple of years has been a real exercise in stopping that as much as possible and remembering that, like, who was it? This is definitely something I got saw from, like Tiktok University, of this idea that if you in your politics, hold community and like collaboration really dear, that also has to apply to you. And I felt so seen of going like, oh, I also need to ask for help, and I'm allowed to lean on other people and be supported. And I often like to be a bit of an asshole and like make myself the exception to that rule.

Holly Newson  03:45

That's such a good way of putting it, because I think a lot of people who would say, like, that community is really important to them and collective are, I also know lots of people, probably myself included, who will be like, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I've got this. I can cover all of this. I can do all of this.

Ruby Rare  04:04

What do you need? Because I'm here for you.

Holly Newson  04:06

Yeah,

Ruby Rare  04:07

100% I am ready to go! Me? Let's just gloss over that. We don't need to get any we need to go deep in that.

Holly Newson  04:14

Yes. And so what's like an everyday kind act that that means a lot to you, like someone checking in or making you a cup of tea or anything like that?

Ruby Rare  04:23

Hmm, I love voice notes. I think they're great.

Holly Newson  04:27

Do you?

Ruby Rare  04:28

Yeah, and I, I a lot of my friends also love them, and I have two very close friends who hate them with an absolute passion. I actually, a couple of days ago, I got rid of my, like, very long, fab nails that I had for the best part of a year. And they compromised and allowed me to send them short, efficient voice notes, because I literally couldn't type very well on my phone anymore, yeah, which is the price of high FEM esthetics. And now I can type again, and they are overjoyed, but I won't do it with them, and I can't. For other people, but I love, like, a rambling Voice Note, getting something from someone I love, where I'm like, Wow. 10 minutes. Okay, yeah, half of that is you just chatting shit. Half of that is going to be useful life updates, but I love doing them as well. Like I'll wandering and just like stopping and smelling a rose, or like telling someone this thing that I've seen and it being quite higgledy, piggledy and chaotic. Feels like there's so much like life in that yeah, and and also just communicating without there being something that needs to be directly communicated, like somewhere. It's like the slightly more modern day version of picking up the phone and just being like, Hey, I'm thinking of you. Yeah, hang on. I don't know your day looks like right now, but like, love you. And this funny thing happened to me that feels like an everyday kindness I'm really grateful to receive.

Holly Newson  05:50

That's really interesting framing voice notes as kindness. I am more in the camp of those two friends, but I think it's more for me. It's like an overwhelming thing. Like, if I see 10 minutes, I suddenly go like, like, Oh, I've got to really dedicate the time to that. And what if I, what if I don't listen to it thoroughly enough? And actually, they need me to respond to a part of it. I don't know which bit they need me to read

Ruby Rare  06:14

You're doing that wrong. These are long voice notes. There is no time pressure in applying to it.

Holly Newson  06:19

Okay?

Ruby Rare  06:20

It's like you listen in your time you get back to me when works. It's like a long form version of correspondence for me.

Holly Newson  06:27

Yeah, got it.

Ruby Rare  06:28

That is weird that that's the first thing that I thought of. There are other versions of kindness, but I'm gonna stick with that.

Holly Newson  06:33

That's lovely. And so when guests come on the show, I asked them, I've asked you to have a think about three times people have done something kind for you. So I wondered if you would start by introducing us to your dad. I wonder if you'd describe him say what he's like.

Ruby Rare  06:49

I love my dad's my dad's such a lovely man, and he's very strange. He kind of, he feels a little bit like the the spirit of like a really over excited little eager child and a sweet, strange, eccentric old man combined, like it's a,it's

Holly Newson  07:13

that's kind of a dream team of an interesting person.

Ruby Rare  07:17

Yeah. I mean, I, I feel, when I was thinking about this, the stuff to send over to you this one felt very important, because I have a lot of people in my life who have really shit dads, and I think sadly, that tends to be the majority of people, almost or like, it's not a Surprise to have a dad who quite consistently disappoints, and I'm in this like rare gang of people who have a nice dad, and I feel like I want to be able to share that, to remind people that this is possible and for future dads to like, aspire to being really brilliant parents, not that They're not that there aren't amazing dads out there, but of course, my dad's great. He makes wonderful, strange sculptures in his garden, and he has an outdoor shower that's in Catford, which is like so DIY. And you have to, like, brush all the water into this little drainage system after you have this, like, serene shower, yeah, and then you have to or manual labor. He loves dancing and music and yeah, he's just, he's a very sweet soul,

Holly Newson  08:34

yeah. Okay, so tell me what the kind thing specifically that you want to talk about, that your dad does.

Ruby Rare  08:40

So every, I never know when this is gonna happen, but it's maybe twice a year, sometimes more, sometimes less, I will receive a really chunky a four envelope in the post, and it's, oh, it's so sweet. I can't deal with how sweet this is. And he will have spent the last few months just collecting bits and bobs that he thinks I will like so newspaper clippings and like bits from book reviews and other like arty magazines and things that he has, he'll like, save snippets little postcards, and then he'll write a letter that's like, across a few different pieces of paper, and like, number them and fit them in between all of the other things. But it's a lot. It's probably like 30 ish sheets of paper. Wow. And he just collects it as he goes, and then when there's enough to fill an envelope, he'll send it, and he does it with my sibling as well. And it's just like, I feel really weird and emotional talking about like it's so it's so kind, it's. So nice, and it's like, it's such an embodiment of love,

Holly Newson  10:05

Yeah. That thoughtfulness to have you in his mind and go, Oh, Ruby might like that. Yeah. So how is it, how is it presented, like, as in, you said, it's lots of pages. So if you say you found an article he thinks you might like, does that get, like, slotted in, or does it get, does it get, like, mounted onto a piece of paper?

Ruby Rare  10:26

It's a bit more DIY than that, but he'll, you know, if it's a few pages, then he'll, like, he might staple it, or he'll fold it in a way that, like, that's its own little thing. Sometimes, if it's one sheet of paper from, like, a magazine or a newspaper, he'll cross out the side that I'm not that he's like, Don't worry, not this one. And I'll be like, Okay, fine, I'm turning it around. And it's so, like, catered to my interests and and like, who I am as a person, you know, especially in terms of my work in like, sexuality and intimacy, that isn't necessarily something that parents are always on board with. And I'm really grateful that I've got two great parents who were like, Hey, look at you, like, let's go. But it's also, you know, the stuff that really connects us, and it might be things from like, you know, a really long time ago that he's just like, kept there waiting for a moment to send to me. And it sort of, it's so nice. It sort of breaks my heart, like it's just, it's, it is really overwhelming.

Holly Newson  11:30

Yeah, can you think of any of the things that he sent, maybe in the last, in the last package, any articles or anything that he, that he wrote,

Ruby Rare  11:40

There was a piece about Howard Hodgkin, who's, like, a abstract painter, who both of us really like. And I remember him taking me to an exhibition of his when I was quite small, and both of us being like, wow, this is really cool. So stuff about that, there's he, because he's, you know, sweet little lefty Guardian reading, man, we have our differences. Because I'm like, I don't think the left the Guardians left enough for me anymore. And he's like, I'm still sticking with it that they have, I think in one, like, one of the color supplements, they have a section about real people's sex lives, and really unusual, like, you know, not the not the expected stories. And so there might be a couple in there that he thought was interesting. He once, this was a this was a while back, but he got chatgpt to, like, write a sonnet about me when I was in the middle of writing and was, like, really stressed. And again, I was just like, This is so weird, dad, but like, so nice. And, you know, that was him, just like, getting excited about this piece of tech, going, wow. What can it do? It can write a poem about my daughter? Okay, cool, let's go.

Holly Newson  12:57

And so take me to a moment when one of those comes through the door. Like, what's your initial reaction? Are you, like, ripping off the top of the envelope straight away, or you just sort of hold it and you're like, it's from dad.

Ruby Rare  13:09

It's this a bit more like the latter. Both of my parents have got, like, such lovely and distinctive handwriting. I'm a bit out of the habit of it, but I really like sending people stuff in the post and, like, love for Valentine's Day. I don't do Christmas cards, but I do, like, lots of Valentine's cards for my mates. So that's I really enjoy the ritual of that. But, like, I know quite a lot of my loved ones handwriting really well, and so when something comes in, I'm like, it's you, yeah, but I don't tend to open it straight away, especially if it comes in the morning. So I'm like, I don't have the attention that this deserves right now, so let me just like, leave it on my table downstairs, like my dining room table, and I'll come back to you, yeah. And sometimes, you know, like, other stuff, can get put on top of it and there's like, a cup of tea on it, or whatever. And then when I tidy up, it's like, it's you, oh my God, but like, it feels quite lived in by the time it gets to me.

Holly Newson  14:09

Yeah. It's really interesting how, as a form of communication like it, we have so many different forms of communication, but that there's still something in the handwriting, something or the sending something physical, like my mum and I went through a period of writing each other letters, and it's not like we weren't also sending each other messages on WhatsApp, but for some reason, and every time we'd get a letter, you know, write one back to the other person. And it's bizarre, because it's like, you probably know what's going on in my life. To an extent,

Ruby Rare  14:40

but there's a difference. Like, I think, like, it's also about that there's an immediacy in lots of our communication now, which is really important and, like, very valuable. And I also have to say that I am, I am not a very good WhatsApp phone communicator. I am chaotic in a way that I really resent about. Myself with emails and with texts. And like, I've got texts from people I love dearly that have gone unread for like, a couple of weeks, and most people in my life know that I'm and like, there's a culture of understanding that we don't have to be like, hustle culture with replying to friends. But also, I've really fucked it in the past and been and like my like, sometimes it's avoidance, or sometimes just like, overwhelm and inability to do that comes off in a way that is hurtful. Yeah, so I feel really conflicted about that expectation we have with immediacy and suddenly receiving a letter or like a long Voice Note, where we've already know that there's no time pressure, really, to get back to it, it, I think it allows for a different level of connection. You're not just saying all the things that need to get said, right then you're able to meander a little bit, and it's like a past version of you, even if it's a recent past version of you, it's, yeah, I think there's something very special about that.

Holly Newson  16:05

Yeah, the WhatsApp thing always reminds me of, there's a TV show, I think it was called mother, but there's a scene in it where the son, he's an it's an adult son, he comes down the stairs, and he's just like, looking really glum. And the one goes, Are you okay? And he just goes, I've just got so many WhatsApps watched at the same time as my partner. And sometimes now there are genuine moments where he'll go like, You okay, and I can just he knows immediately if I go. I've just got so many what's ups like, exactly what that feeling is,

Ruby Rare  16:43

Yeah. And what a shame that something that should be as joyful as like getting in touch with the people that you care about then becomes homework and a chore. And I am trying to reframe that in my mind, and also trying to prioritize it a bit more of just being like, don't be a dick. Like, it's really easy to unintentionally be a dick like that. And I don't think that's very kind, yeah, which I'm very guilty of. So yeah, tried to rewire that.

Holly Newson  17:11

The times when I when I don't let it overwhelm me, I do get more joy from it. So it is so I agree. I try not to let myself get there too often. So back to your dad. So you get these packages, they've got gorgeous things in them. You said that you send Valentine's Day cards. Is there any any equivalent of what your dad does that you kind of try to pass on to other people?

Ruby Rare  17:39

Well, I don't, I don't send anything back to my dad, which I hadn't really realized until now. It felt like that currently feels like a really one sided thing, and I guess it doesn't have to. So I want to, I want to think about that a bit more about like, you know, what version of that I can do for him, because, especially, he's about to sort of soft retire, and I'm really excited to celebrate that with him. But also think about, wow, okay, what, like, what does your time look like? And I think I can do a bit more. I don't, know. I don't know where that sentence going, but, like, there's, like, a big question mark there, I guess, yeah, in terms of what I do, I love if a new if a friend has, like, moved into somewhere new, getting their address is like the first thing and being and sometimes it's just like a little postcard. I have, you know, a stash of different weird like postcards and cards. Some of them are all, like, weird, vintage X rated, like, letter envelope thing. I'm like, okay, that can't be a postcard that can just go off, and that's not something I can sense to all of my friends. But there's like, a short list for some of the weird, filthy friends. But I think when someone's trying to make a home, it's really nice to kind of have something through the letterbox of going like, you're here, you've landed. Well done, yay. And when I've got the capacity doing that in a full little care package way, is an amazing thing to do. I haven't done that for a while, actually, so I need to

Holly Newson  19:20

One of my friends sent me a stamp that she'd had made of my cat's face, which I then, I don't know whether it was to everyone's joy or or a bit like, Wow. I then made everyone cards with the cat with different and I drew little different hats. Yeah. Excellent for everyone. So like, her sending me that, but everyone else got

Ruby Rare  19:42

It's like, sorry, this is, this has happened. Now, I love that, though.

Holly Newson  19:42

And she was like, I've sent you something really weird. It's, it's really weird. You're probably gonna think it's really weird. And as soon as I got it, I was like, the best thing I've ever received!!

Ruby Rare  19:54

I think something like that niche and personalized is a fucking brilliant gift. Yeah, I like a gift that makes me worry if it's like, a bit too weird for someone else, because nine times out of ten it's not, yeah, and then the one times out of ten it's like, okay, maybe, maybe we weren't like, quite on the same wavelength, and it's fine if we're not like, as close.

Holly Newson  20:16

Yeah, yeah. I think she must have felt that, because she's kept sending me messages being like, it is weird what I've sent you, though I know it hasn't arrived. Hasn't arrived yet, but I just want you to just a heads up. It is a bit weird.

Ruby Rare  20:29

That's really sweet. Yeah, I think all of my stamps are Christmas ones because I bought a load a while ago, actually. No, I had to buy some new ones recently, and they weren't of the Queen. And not that. I'm massively pro queen. But I was like, Who is this guy? No, I think I need to get some personalized stamps so I'm not sending like his

Ruby Rare  20:49

No  way, I thought you were talking about postal stamps!

Holly Newson  20:49

This was like an ink stamp of my cat's face.

Ruby Rare  20:49

That's perfect, that's so nice!

Holly Newson  20:50

That's what I mean. Like, I made everyone like a card and drew different hats on.

Holly Newson  20:52

Oh this was like a stamp, you know, like with the ink.

Ruby Rare  20:54

Sensational.

Holly Newson  20:55

But stamps wise, actual postage stamps, I now only send Spice Girls stamps to people. I got

Ruby Rare  21:02

That is the correct stamp.

Holly Newson  21:03

I got them in like a bulk, and I will be really sad the day that they run out.

Ruby Rare  21:08

Okay, I when we leave the studio, I'm gonna look up some strange stamps that I can buy, because I think that's something that will bring me joy. And other people joy. And, like, with letters as well. I have so many stickers, like, just across the board, so many all different varieties. And I, I was a kid who didn't use any of my special stickers, like, in that way of being like, no, no, this is

Holly Newson  21:36

I still have some.

Holly Newson  21:37

That's really lovely. This is a side note, but you've made me think of all the transfer tattoos that I saved, but as like a like seven year old, and I found some recently, and one of them was just like a massive dolphin, and I just thought it was too special to like, when is it going to be the right time for the massive dolphin as a child,

Ruby Rare  21:37

Yeah, I know, but now I'm using them because I just a few years ago, I was like, What am I doing? I'm like, withholding the joy of putting this on something. And yes, nothing is permanent, but like, put a fucking cool sticker on a thing and it'll make you happy. So now, when I send anything to loved ones, I will put stickers on the envelopes, and then it's really nice getting I've got one friend in particular. When I send something to her, she'll, like, send me a photo of it being like, well, well, well, Who's this from? And I think that familiarity that, like, before you even properly have, like, seen the handwriting or opened it like, you know who it's from. Yeah, I love doing that.

Ruby Rare  22:33

I get that, but now I just do them.

Holly Newson  22:37

And so, have you told your told your dad how much the packages mean? Do you think he knows?

Ruby Rare  22:45

I think he knows to a point, but I don't know if we've properly properly, like we'll talk about once they've arrived, and I've read through it a bit the next time we speak, we'll talk about it a little bit, but I don't know if I've ever had a proper like this is a remarkably kind thing you are doing conversation with him.

Holly Newson  23:09

He probably knows.

Ruby Rare  23:11

I think he knows, but I also I feel called to make that a bit more overt.

Holly Newson  23:20

Now, yeah, that's lovely.

Holly Newson  23:31

The question is, can you tell me a time that someone did something kind for you? Can be anything big or small, anything that comes to mind.

Speaker 2  23:41

Let me think I've been to Paris because I was my birthday not so long ago, and my friend organized a massage for me, because I never take the time to take care of myself. So they were like, Okay, let's, let's do something for you. So they did that for me.

Holly Newson  24:02

Oh, amazing. So it was a surprise.

Speaker 2  24:05

Yeah, it was a surprise.

Holly Newson  24:05

That's so lovely. Thank you so much.

Holly Newson  24:20

So we're gonna move on to your second story of kindness,

Ruby Rare  24:23

Yep.

Holly Newson  24:23

Can you tell me about last summer? Not in a horror film sense. Not horror film sense.

Ruby Rare  24:29

Yeah,

Holly Newson  24:30

Unless it was, but...

Ruby Rare  24:32

Well, it was adjacent. Last summer I had, I feel like self aware talking about this, because, especially right now, like politically globally, to have a personal crises feels almost self indulgent. But also, we have personal crises, and they are real, and I want to, like honor that in myself. But. I guess trying to do a little bit of that juggling. I had such a spectacularly shit year last year, like it was really, really bad, and just in a way that, like I could not have predicted, and I won't go into massive detail about it, but it involved a very big, ugly, messy breakup that was shit for everyone involved, and was quite unexpected in a lot of ways. And it was the I kind of I didn't really see it coming, and then when it was there, it required so much support and care from my friends, and asking for that was really uncomfortable, but I also couldn't it wasn't asking. I just needed it. It wasn't really a question. And the people who stepped up did it in an incredible way. And this, again, I'm like, feel self conscious of it, because I'm not. There's like, a bit of tiny violin action with this, but also, when I've stepped back and have enough perspective, it's like, no, that was really shit and profound, and I'm allowed for that to have been difficult. But I had a few months when I was in between places, and just had to, like, call on friends to take me in and look after me. So in between, kind of, like, living situation, situations. Yeah, I had, like, a period of time when I wasn't living in my house, and then I went back to it for a bit, and I didn't realize until, I don't think I'd, like, added them up properly until I've sent it to you. But it was eight or nine different places in like, two and a half months. And it was lots of different friends and a couple, like, friends of friends, people who I've never even met before, but were just like, Yep, we're away that week. Come and stay. It's totally fine. But the first one, I guess, is my friend Molly, who is I've known her since I was one and a half, and I love her so much. She is just like an actual angel. She's one of those beautiful, inside and out women that have ever existed. And every once in a while at a party, I'll just like, look at her from across the room and be like, you're an angel. Like, how I see her with, like, that medieval saint, like Halo e circle behind her, but yeah, shit hit the fan in such a spectacular way. I, like, crashed my car. It was all like everything was falling apart.

Holly Newson  27:34

Had you been living together?

Ruby Rare  27:36

No, no, we hadn't been, and

Holly Newson  27:38

I can't also the fact you said that you crashed your car?

Ruby Rare  27:41

Yeah, yeah, it was, like, a lot happened in like, a really short space of time, right? So I'm one of them was me crashing my car, and it was completely my fault and I and it was okay, like, everyone was fine, but, yeah, it was not, I wouldn't recommend it. I will also wouldn't recommend, I'm gonna continue to try and not crash my car. Having crashed a car, I wouldn't recommend crashing a car. Fucking horrible. Yeah. And then it, like everything else, like so much other stuff was happening at the time that it was only it was like a few months after that, it was almost like I'd pinned that as a thing to process. And then later in the summer, I was like, oh my god, I crashed my car. That was really scary and really weird. And like, I didn't know what to do. I'd never done that before. So it's one of those things of going, how do you, like, Who do you call what's the right thing to do? So yeah, there was a lot that was happening in that time, yeah, and like, it was all, it was all getting really bad. And also, and I live in Margate on the coast, and she still lives in London, near where we grew up, and it was just a really, it was her like, just fucking get here. Like, how can you get here in the shortest space of time? And like, arriving there, and her opening the door, and I know her place so well, and it was just like, I think having that space first of all, but then lots of other ones subsequently, where I could, just, like, completely fall apart and not have to be tidy and, like, particularly thoughtful, like, I just, I got to be really properly held, and she started that off. And there, you know, there are a lot of other people to name within that, but I think the like, kindness that was great that I was met with when she opened her front door and was just like, we're going to sort this out. It's going to be okay, and for now, it's absolutely not. But like, I felt, I don't, I don't know how if I felt like that looked after in my adult life before, like, that period of those friends, just, like, really, really looking after me was pretty remarkable,

Holly Newson  30:01

yeah, I feel it quite viscerally, the idea of someone just taking you and being like you don't. There's nothing required of you here, like no no pretenses, but also you don't worry if you need this or you need that, or you just be Yeah, I think so rare that we feel in a situation where we there's nothing, nothing required,

Ruby Rare  30:26

yeah, well, and it made me realize that there was even with people who I like, really love, and we have a very lovely, like, super close, friendly, intimate relationship. Yeah, there can still be a layer of formality in that, because we're all, like, pretending to be put together grown ups, even when we're like, oh God, like, whatever, everything's a mess, and suddenly staying with like, these different friends of going like, Oh, you're gonna like, see it all like you're seeing me switched off, and when I'm not trying to be, like, competent and social. And I think some of those people I'd known for a really long time, some were friends that I've only had for like, a couple of years. And them seeing that was like, you've definitely not seen this before, this is another side of me it was.

Holly Newson  31:20

And so you turn up at Molly's house, that door gets opened. I'm gonna guess that there's a lot of feelings floating around. But when Molly's like, you're here, you're safe. What can you think of what went through your mind, or how that felt,

Ruby Rare  31:41

I think we're but she's a fellow, like, bossy big sister. And I think it took a, what, a little minute for me, for her to be like, no, no, no, I'm doing this. You're not doing this. And that was probably like, honestly, maybe a couple days of just like, Yeah, you don't, you're, you're trying to be, like, a nice, well behaved house guest and like, that's not allowed. I want you to be exactly what this is right now. And I think I was just a bit, I was not all there. I was like, really in a weird, weird way. And then I think I'd been there for a couple of days, and there was one night when Molly was out and very sweet, and was like, almost going to cancel plans, but, and then, but I had plans. And then Molly's housemate as well, was out, so we're all going to do our separate things. Both of them left the house, and then I got food poisoning, because we'd all had a Chinese the night before, and I had heat reheated some, but hadn't heated it up properly, so was then quite violently ill all of a sudden, in a unglamorous way, and like, couldn't leave the house, being like, Oh no, that like, I need to be near a toilet, like at all times. And that was the first time I think I'd like properly. As much as Molly's presence was so loving and kind, I think there was also something really important about being in a home completely on my own, which I hadn't been for a little while, and to, like, absolutely unravel in a way that you can only, maybe, I think I can only do if I'm being, like, completely unobserved. And that felt, I think a lot of that had been brewing, and that was a kind of pivot point of afterwards going like, Oh no, I'm there. Okay, so that requires me receiving this level of help and love and kindness from Molly and other people. I think that was the like, I stopped kidding myself, yeah, bit, but all of that happening like, so this, I'm Why is this so comical that I haven't really looked back on this moment that much, and it's really funny to be like the car crash and then food poisoning and then it's like all combined. It was not a fab time in my life.

Holly Newson  34:10

No, it does have the groundings of a of a really good tragic comedy.

Ruby Rare  34:17

To say, I almost feel like it's too I feel like, if you read it, it would be too much. It would be like, Okay, we're gonna have to lose some of this because, like, obviously this didn't all happen at the same time.

Holly Newson  34:28

And all those different houses or flats or places that you were in, did they all feel like home in different ways?

Ruby Rare  34:36

Most of them felt like home, a version of home really quickly and but, yeah, I actually, like, had quite a lot of stuff with me. So I arrived at a friend's house, and they lovingly made fun of me where I was, like, staying with them for 10 days. I brought that quilt that I handmade, I bought my radio alarm, my little oil diffuser, and, like all of my. Essential Oils, just being like, Okay, I'm making the most of this situation right now, and that means I need to find a way to like nest. And so I'm just bringing me and my items here. And you know, home is such an important thing for every, for everyone. And I know that in this context, there's hardship in it, but like, there was still, it was still like finding a sense of home in other people's spaces, and that, yeah, I didn't, I don't know what that would have looked like without all of those different versions. I remember like a friend of mine, Steven, who is such a dear, lovely friend. He's got, like a friend's kid, just referred to him once as being like, Who is that lovely man?

Ruby Rare  35:57

But we were, we were going for a walk, and he was just very sweet. But was like, you're holding like, a white hot coal, and you need to let go. Like, it doesn't stop it from being, like, burning and horrible, but like, you need to stop grasping it so tight. And that was it was like, Oh yeah, okay. Time to, like, breathe and give this a bit more space, which I'm very grateful for.

Speaker 3  36:32

So recently, we were staying on Isla Holbox in Quintana Roo Mexico, and we arrived in our hotel, which was a little bit out of town, and the most rain we've ever seen in our lives came pelting down for a good hour or two, and we then tried to walk back into town and realized that the roads were incredibly flooded. So we were working our way past these enormous puddles, and got to one point where there was a driveway, and I tried to swing myself around the driveway, ended up pulling down a bamboo structure and falling into the puddle. And we got out. I got out, brushed myself off, feeling a bit dejected, and we were unsure what we're gonna do for dinner, and a very lovely local guy working on one of the building sites had seen us and called us over. And we are broken Spanish, his broken English, he offered to walk us through the building site, past all the people working to the other side, where there was another road that didn't have so many big puddles on it, so we could make our way through to dinner and yeah, just thought it was very kind of him to go out of his way to do that.

Holly Newson  37:53

So let's move on to your third story. Start by telling me where you where you were. When this when this happened?

Ruby Rare  38:00

This happened a few weeks ago. There is a meet up in South London called ENM fam London. ENM stands for ethical non monogamy, and it's a couple of friends who started this four years ago, just recognizing that there wasn't much of an in person space for people who are in open relationships and non monogamous, to like, be together and it not be a pick up spot. It just be about, like, making connections. Like, over the years, it's been really sweet talking to people going like, Oh, I'm introducing two of my partners here, because it that feels like a really nice space where, like, everyone else gets it, rather than being in a bar and everyone looking at you, and trying to figure out what the hell is happening. So the like these mates have just created a space with a lot of love and care. And I went to their fourth birthday party, and I wasn't sure if I was going to go, because I was like, tired and grumpy and whatever, but I got there, and I had a really overwhelmingly lovely evening chatting to lots of people who I've known for the last eight years. Like just seeing diff being like, oh my god, it's you and you and like, it felt like a very beautiful reunion, in a way. And as part of the evening, I had several conversations with people about my book. And I'm sorry this sounds like a real shameless plug, but I want but like say the full title, but it's called the non monogamy playbook, and it was like bringing out any piece of work, but especially like longer form stuff I find really excruciating, because I want to cheer lead myself, and then self promotion just feels like I want to peel my skin off, and it feels really painful. And so I realized I'd shut down and like, not been talking about it with friends, not like wanted to look it's almost like how a house. Some like sheep, just reject their children, like their lambs, of being like not mine. No, not I feel like I sometimes do that with my work, which is not ideal, but having these conversations with people and just reminding them, reminding me that I've made something helpful was so nice, and I didn't know how much I needed to hear it from people and, like, from my community, and remembering that this thing exists, but it's kind of like out there for people like them to read now, rather than it being mine,

Holly Newson  40:36

What sort of things did people say to you?

Ruby Rare  40:39

Just that like it had really helped them in different ways. Or there was some one woman who I think was quite new to this whole way of doing relationships, and it had ended up being, like, her entry point into all of this, which was really nice. And people, you know, like someone saying, Oh, my friend's been having a really tough time. So I just, like, sent them your book and it, I think there's so much expectation about what publishing something is meant to feel like and look like, yeah? And especially when it's a topic that's really niche like it, it's important for me to remember the impact it has like within its nicheness, yeah? So, yeah, it was, it was just very, like, heartfelt, and I think they none of those people needed to say anything, and they did, and I didn't realize how important it was for me to hear it. Then I, like, left going, oh shit, okay. I I actually needed that reassurance from other people, because I wasn't able to give it to myself.

Holly Newson  41:44

Yeah, I think as well, that kind of speaks to how a lot of the time we're in a society that values like numbers of people, when actually like, oh well, it reached these people, this group, and that made a real impact on them. And so therefore I have put something really meaningful out into the world that I can be proud of. I feel like it's really, it's easy to lose sight of that.

Ruby Rare  42:09

Yeah, for sure, I feel very, I feel like deeply saddened by how we all view numbers and like engagement now, and I'm definitely guilty of it as well, but it being back in like a real room, I don't know there was something like pre covid about it, of go, of remembering all of these people who I exist in community with, and you can do that online, but only to a point like actually just Being in the same place makes such a difference. And and also me being able to say versions of that to other friends of mine in those spaces, of being like, Oh my God, you did this thing, and that was incredible. And did it like, it just it was, it felt like a version of connection that I hadn't, that I really don't think I can feel very easily online. Yeah.

Holly Newson  43:04

And so to finish, what's the kind thing that you do for yourself or have done for yourself?

Ruby Rare  43:11

Hmm, I used to be in a choir which I loved, and I'm not in it anymore. Maybe I need to go back. But I there are two places that I sing really loudly. One of them is in the car, the new car that I'm not gonna crash, and the other is on the beach. Because I try, I love, I would love to say that I do this every morning, and I absolutely don't, but as often as I can do waking up in the morning and like first thing, just getting dressed and going straight down to the beach, and like wondering, I've got this little bit where I live, and if I'm there early enough often, I'll be the only person on that stretch. And like, walking right next to the waves that has this like sound so you're not as self conscious of your own voice and just fucking belting anything in particular. I've got a song by the staves who's like, they're a folk band. They're sisters that I love called teeth white. And I know every word to that song, and I just like, Howl it into the waves. I love singing that song so much

Holly Newson  44:21

That is the most joyful image to end on. Thank you. It's been such a pleasure to chat to you.

Ruby Rare  44:28

Thank you. What a treat. This is the most beautiful format, and it feels really like I feel all jangly with emotion for thinking about this stuff. So thank you for making a space for it.

Holly Newson  44:39

Thanks!

Music  44:47

Hey, hold on. I'll stay here till it goes.

Holly Newson  44:54

Thank you so much for listening. You being here and your support means so much to me. I. I will now be looking for the next opportunity that I can be by the waves singing at the top of my lungs. I don't live anywhere near the sea, but I am so excited for when I can make that happen. This episode is dedicated to anyone who sends thoughtful things in the post. Maybe share this episode with one of those people in your life, or someone else who might enjoy it. I would also love to hear a story from you about a time someone was kind to you. So send that in at kind podcast.com or email me Holly at kind podcast.com and I will feature some of the stories on the show. If you like the show, give it a rating, give it a Review. Follow, subscribe. It helps me so much. It was great to spend time with you. Speak soon,

Music  45:47

Hey, dream on and let your heart unfold.